ALL-STAR CELEBRITY APPRENTICE -- Live Finale -- Pictured: Donald Trump -- (Photo by: Virginia Sherwood/NBC/NBCU Photo Bank via Getty Images)

TRUMP TV launches January 19, 2017

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE

November 9, 2016

Contact: @TRUMP2020

NEW YORK – Live from the Winter Palace in Palm Beach, Florida, PRESIDENT DONALD J. TRUMP convenes his Government in Exile on January 19, one day ahead of the felonious inauguration of Crooked Hillary Clinton.

The enthronement will highlight the launch of TRUMP TV, a 24/7 cable and satellite channel dedicated to the tens of millions of devoted Members of the Movement (MOMS) to Make America Great Again.

PRESIDENT DONALD J. TRUMP and Vice President Ivanka TRUMP will be joined by his cabinet and First Lady Melania TRUMP at the Winter Palace, formerly known as Mar-a-Lago – which means “sea to shining sea” – for the swearing-in ceremony.

Also attending will be:

  • Secretary of State and Ambassador to Russia Sarah Palin
  • Secretary of Defense Chuck Norris
  • Secretary of the Treasury/TRUMP ORGANIZATION Donald J. TRUMP Jr.
  • Secretary of Commerce/TRUMP ORGANIZATION Eric F. TRUMP
  • Secretary of the Interior (Decorator) Tiffany TRUMP
  • Secretary of Transportation and Ambassador to the Court of St. James Barron W. TRUMP
  • Attorney General and Secretary of Rage Rudolph Giuliani
  • Secretary of Agriculture and Fast Food Chris Christie
  • Secretary of Labor Joe “The Plumber” Wurzelbacher
  • Secretary of Health Dr. Mehmet Oz
  • Secretary of Education Jerry Falwell Jr.
  • Secretary of Energy Don King
  • Secretary of Veterans Affairs Mike Ditka
  • Secretary of Homeland Security Clint Eastwood

“This is the most diverse cabinet in history,” the PRESIDENT-IN-EXILE-IN-WAITING DONALD J. TRUMP said Wednesday. “You have the woman, the black, the brown.”

The investiture broadcast, from the Grand Ballroom of the Winter Palace, will be followed by a televised cabinet meeting and a round of golf at the fabulous TRUMP International club in West Palm Beach.

The eight-hour special, from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m. EST, will be a preview of the classy shows that will be the hallmark of TRUMP TV.

The 9 to 5 timeslot will thereafter be hosted by a rotating cast of A-list stars delivering the real news from such world capitals as TRUMP Tower in New York, TRUMP International Hotel in Washington, TRUMP International Hotel and Tower in Chicago, TRUMP International in Las Vegas, and TRUMP Doral in Miami.

From 5 p.m. to 6 p.m. on weekdays, PRESIDENT DONALD J. TRUMP will host I Called It, a wrapup of the day’s breaking news previously predicted by PRESIDENT DONALD J. TRUMP.

The rest of the TRUMP TV schedule:

6 – 7 p.m. – The Palin-Hannity News Hour: Straight talk on political disasters in Washington from Sean Hannity and the unfiltered worldview from Alaska from Sarah Palin, the Secretary of State and Ambassador to Moscow.

7 – 8 p.m. – Fire Away, with Wayne LaPierre: The executive director of the National Rifle Association (NRA) answers callers’ questions about protecting yourself, your loved ones and the Second Amendment, and how to form an armed militia in your community.

8 – 9 p.m. – Hunting Radical Islamic Terrorists with Rudy Giuliani: America’s Mayor and a brigade of militiamen crisscross the county, stopping and frisking suspected Muslims.

9 – 10 p.m. – Hunting Aliens with Sheriff Joe: Watch the famous Arizona lawman Joe Arpaio and his deputies accost suspected Mexicans and check their papers.

10 – 11 p.m. – Hunting Bad Hombres: Ann Coulter and other MOMS scour alien sanctuaries from East Harlem to East L.A.

11 – 12 p.m. – Border Wars: Armed militiamen patrol the Mexican border. See TRUMP TV’s Virtual Wall with Exclusive Border Cams from California to Texas.

12 p.m. – 1 a.m. – Hunting Big Game: Eric and Don Jr. shoot lions and tigers and bears around the world.

1 a.m. – 2 a.m. –Runway Confidential: PRESIDENT DONALD J. TRUMP hosts a behind the scenes look at TRUMP Model Management. Adult content.

2 a.m. – 3 a.m. – Who Wants to Be a Billionaire: Real estate seminars with disciples of the boss, PRESIDENT DONALD J. TRUMP.

3 a.m. – 5 a.m. – Real Time with PRESIDENT DONALD J. TRUMP: Get your phones and tablets ready as you watch PRESIDENT DONALD J. TRUMP tweet live.

5 a.m. – 6 a.m. – Unclassified with Julian Assange: A daily look into the crookedness of the Clinton White House with the WikiLeaks whistleblower.

6 a.m. – 6:30 a.m. – Preparing for the Apocalypse with A-list preachers and prophets.

6:30 a.m. – 7 a.m. – Wake up with Ivanka and Melania: The Vice President and the First Lady lead you in morning exercises.

7 a.m. – 9 a.m. – Thank you, Mr. President – Get your day started and your credit cards ready at a one-stop shop for TRUMP hotels, resorts, golf courses, signature clothing, accessories, home furnishings, fragrances, books and much, much more.

Weekend programming will include:

  • Morning Prayer: Un-separating Church and State with Secretary of Education Jerry Falwell Jr.
  • Dining Out with Chris Christie: The Secretary of Agriculture and Fast Food follows the feast from farm to fryer.
  • Miracle Cures with Secretary of Health Dr. Oz.
  • The Case for Concussions with Secretary of Veterans Affairs Iron Mike Ditka.
  • Back Alley Bare-Knuckle Boxing hosted by Secretary of Energy Don King.
  • Martial Arts for the Criminally Insane hosted by Secretary of Defense Chuck Norris.
  • Dirty Harry Film Festival hosted by Homeland Security Secretary Clint Eastwood.

***

TRUMP Productions is now hiring for TRUMP TV at all levels of management and production.

Employees are required to volunteer for service to the upcoming launch of the TRUMP PARTY and the TRUMP 2020 campaign.

A lifetime confidentiality agreement will be signed and a legally binding loyalty oath taken on the date of employment.

pastrami-sandwich

Ode to a pastrami on rye

I’ve been thinking about pastrami since I read recently that the Carnegie Deli is closing.

I have history with pastrami and the Carnegie.

I grew up in a New York where every Jewish neighborhood had at least one deli, when the words deli and takeout were synonymous. Now, there are reportedly fewer than 20 in the five boroughs.

In my New York, as in Herb Gardner’s wonderful 1962 play A Thousand Clowns, delis provide sustenance to the soul of the city.

“Irving R. Feldman’s birthday is my own personal national holiday,” declares Murray Burns, the play’s free-spirited protagonist. “He is proprietor of perhaps the most distinguished kosher delicatessen in this neighborhood and as such I hold the day of his birth in reverence.”

And no food says New York like pastrami. Not a Coney Island hotdog. Not a folded slice of greasy pizza. Not a New York steak, which isn’t called a New York steak in New York.

Pastrami is the fatty flavor king of the Jewish deli. Corned beef? A timid cousin. Brisket? Wishy-washy. Tongue? Feh!

It’s a pastrami sandwich George Costanza turns to when he discovers the orgasmic qualities of mixing food with sex and finds a woman to complement his appetite when she purrs: “I find the pastrami to be the most sensual of all the salted, cured meats.”

Milton Berle spoke for all of us when he said: “Anytime a person goes into a delicatessen and orders a pastrami on white bread, somewhere a Jew dies.”

That joke required no further commentary when Woody Allen had Annie Hall order “a pastrami on white with mayonnaise, lettuce and tomato.”

Given opportunity and mentoring, newcomers to the city can become associate members of the tribe, enthusiasts of the pleasures of pastrami.

Russell Baker, originally from tiny village in the mountains of Virginia, seemed to stamp his New York passport with pastrami references in countless Observer columns in the New York Times.

In one:

“That racket on the roof is too much,” said Mitgang, a connoisseur of Times Square pastrami houses who is not accustomed to the sweet country sound of rain on a tin roof.

In another:

“Why don’t we, just once, order the salami and eggs?” asked Mitgang after five consecutive days of pastrami on rye.

About ten blocks from the old Times Building was the Stage Deli. Opened in 1937, it was known for drawing celebrities.

And, sure enough, when I went there for the first time, when I was a copyboy at the Times in the mid-1960s, I was seated next to Tom Poston, the deadpan comedian from The Steve Allen Show.

The Stage named sandwiches after its famous patrons. When I returned many years later, all its 24 triple-deckers carried a nametag – from Alec Baldwin (brisket, corned beef and Swiss cheese) to Julia Roberts (chicken salad, hard-boiled egg, lettuce and tomato) to Barbra Streisand (pastrami, turkey, roast beef and Swiss cheese).

The Bill Cosby included tongue.

The Stage started going downhill in the ’70s, when it became known as a hangout for gangsters.

After that, the Carnegie, a block north on Seventh Avenue, was top banana in Midtown.

My first taste of the Carnegie came on a pilgrimage to my hometown shortly after 9/11. After the long drive from southern Ontario with my wife and daughters, it was comfort food – pastrami, corned beef, rye bread, knishes, pickles and deli mustard.

A couple of years later, doing a story for the travel pages of the National Post, I sat down for lunch with Sandy Levine, the Carnegie’s bald, beefy proprietor.

At noontime on a winter weekday, the restaurant was packed, all 160 seats occupied with chazzers chomping on the Carnegie’s trademark overstuffed sandwiches – a full pound of meat between slices of thin rye bread.

“Betcha I’m the only one in here from New York,” Sandy confided at our table in the middle of the small dining area – I held my tongue – then set out to prove his point.

He turned to a young couple at a table over his right shoulder: “Where you from?”

“New Orleans,” they said.

He hollered to another couple: “Where you from?”

“Michigan.”

People started shouting – “Texas” … “North Carolina” … “San Francisco.”

The demonstration appeared to support the idea of the Carnegie as a tourist trap, where rubes forked over big bucks – $13 then, $20 now – for a grotesque sandwich.

“The somewhat catty truth about the Carnegie Deli is that it is one of those New York destinations that actual New Yorkers visit once or twice and then frequently decide they have had enough of,” the Times wrote in its story that the restaurant is closing Dec. 31.

It also slipped in the line that the Carnegie “has been putting out cardiologically perilous fare since 1937,” piling on decades of heartburn and heart-attack jokes leveled at the city’s Jewish delis.

With the Stage having shuttered in 2012, Midtown will be a deli wasteland, pastrami out of fashion, gone in a world of takeout sushi and Szechuan.

I knew it was coming. As I wrote in my novel:

I picked up pastrami, rye bread, knishes, pickles and a cheesecake at the Carnegie Deli on my way back to Park Avenue. “When you said you’d take care of dinner, I thought you meant you’d take me out to a nice restaurant,” Jeannie said as I unpacked the food in the kitchen. “I haven’t eaten this stuff in … I don’t know how long.”

“It’s good for you.”

“I hope you packed your Nexium.”

america-ryder-cup

USA conquers NATO allies

I viewed the Ryder Cup this weekend through the lens of Trump’s America.

Twenty-four rich white men playing golf on a private course.

No Muslims, no Mexicans, no blacks.

Thousands chanting U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-A! Cheering the misfortunes of the foreigners. Heckling the losers.

The result: America first, NATO allies last.

Patrick Reed, a chubby Texan who flaunted his fine play like a crazed Sasquatch, led the Americans over the Europeans throughout the three days at Hazeltine National Golf Club outside Minneapolis.

“A hero for our country,” declared teammate Jordan Spieth.

“Hopefully, we made every American proud,” said Phil Mickelson.

This American, from his refuge north of the border, watched the proceedings on NBC.

Some observations:

  • The cancelation of the biennial event in September 2001, right after 9/11, bumped the Ryder Cup into even-numbered years. Thus, a golf competition hyped as a clash between Old World and New World cultures, is played at a U.S. venue at the height of election fervor every four years.
  • The Americans are the red team. Republican red. Red states. Better red than dead.
  • The Euros are the blue team. Blue EU flag. Seven of its 12 players are Brits. What happens when Britain Brexits?
  • During commercial breaks, there are a couple of Trump ads, none for Clinton. What does that say about the perceived audience?
  • Then again, there’s also a Jeep commercial, with Cat Stevens singing, “If you want to sing out, sing out, and if you want to be free, be free …” It concluded with the message: “What unites us is stronger than what divides us,” a minor twist on the Clinton campaign slogan Stronger Together.
  • NBC announcer Dan Hicks informs us the next Ryder Cup will be in “Paris, France.” Thanks for the clarification, Dan. I thought it was in Paris, Tennessee, home of the world’s biggest fish fry and a replica Eiffel Tower.
  • His partner, Johnny Miller, exhibits a firmer grasp of geography after a Sergio Garcia putt circles the cup and fails to drop – “that went around Spain and ended up in Portugal.”
  • Ads on a grandstand at Hazeltine are for Omega, Mercedes and Samsung. U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-A!
  • A TV commercial for Mercedes, the Third Reich’s preferred carmaker, features the soundtrack of Hatikva, the Israeli national anthem.
  • Hicks refers to young Euro star Thomas Pieters as “the Belgian bomber.” Inspired by ISIS?
  • NBC announcer Mark Rolfing says, “I would think Europe has to make some kind of a statement.” Deutschland uber alles? Liberté, égalité, fraternité? The rain in Spain falls mainly on the plain?
  • The loudmouths in the galleries must be graduates of the Jesse Ventura School of Boorishness, betraying the term “Minnesota nice.”
  • The German and Scandinavian roots of many Minnesotans do not translate into fans cheering for Dusseldorf’s Martin Kaymer or Swede Henrik Stenson. Assimilation conquers multiculturalism. U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-A!
  • At the closing ceremony, a U.S. military color guard lowers the EU flag while a military band plays Beethoven’s Ode to Joy.
  • I thought the European national anthem was Ole, Ole, Ole, Ole … Ole, Ole.
Private Josh Klukie, 23, of Thunder Bay, Ont., served in 4 Platoon, Bravo Company, part of the 1st Battalion of the Royal Canadian Regiment. He is shown taking part in a Canadian advance into Panjwai District, southwest of Kandahar city, on Sept. 11, 2006. The landmine that killed Private Klukie on Oct. 29 was planted not far away, in a part of Panjwai the troops had already cleared of insurgents. (Photo by Graeme Smith)

Josh Klukie: Warrior

The picture above is from Graeme Smith, who supplied this caption: “Here’s a photo I took of Klukie in September 2006, during Operation Medusa. He was a good guy.”

In my last piece, on Josh’s life and death, I included a couple of quotes and a nice passage from Smith’s Oct. 2, 2006 story in the Globe and Mail.

I sent Graeme an email, with a link to my blog. Besides the photo, he replied with a kind note and told me he is still in Afghanistan, doing political analysis for the United Nations in Kabul.