The UN speech he wanted to give

Despite Dumbass Donnie’s unintended laugh line at the top of his speech to the UN General Assembly on Tuesday, the rest provoked high anxiety. There is no telling the reaction if he had delivered this speech he dictated personally to his caddie, Rudy Giuliani, during a round of golf last weekend at his New Jersey resort:

I look out across this room and see many people from many places – some nice, some not so nice.

All of you people are lucky to be in the United States of America, the greatest and richest country in the world.

Those of you who are visiting are welcome to enjoy this great city that is home to a dozen fabulous Trump properties as long as you have all your papers in order – because they will be checked at the door on the way out.

Those of you who are lucky enough to be living in New York don’t have to be told you are just a few steps from the magnificent Trump World Tower.

If you’re not already in residence or on the waiting list, my sons Don Jr. and Eric are out in the hall to help you find out if you qualify. It’s very exclusive. We don’t let anybody in, you know.

My lovely daughter Ivanka and her husband Jared are here as well.  As you know, Ivanka is my very special assistant and Jared is in charge of the Middle East.

Just ask my friend Bibi Netanyahu what a great job Jared is doing. I wouldn’t be surprised that by the time I leave office – in six or seven or more years from now – there will be luxury condominiums from the Red Sea to the Persian Gulf.

Which brings me to Iran and its leader, who I call Graybeard the Pirate.

Obama gave them billions and billions of dollars to play nice. But they just went ahead and laughed in our faces. Well, the party’s over.

By the time I get through with Iran the terrorist regime will be drowning in its own oil.

And it will be the same with Venezuela and its leader, who I call the Frito Bandito.

Venezuela is really, you know, a puppet of Cuba, with both trying to spread socialism to all the most beautiful beachfront locations on the Caribbean Sea. What a waste!

Speaking of oil, one of the great tragedies of our time is that some of the world’s most precious natural resources are being used for evil, not good.

By the time I leave office – in six or seven or more years from now – tens of thousands of American miners will be back on the job, power plants will again be burning American coal, and American oil will be gushing from the ocean floor, from California to Alaska.

We won’t be paying for pipelines to bring oil from other countries – like Germany is from Russia. NO COLLUSION.

The way things are going, Germany’s leader – I call her Brunhilda – will be a puppet of Russia. NO COLLUSION.

You can’t blame President Putin for being a good businessman and a strong leader. NO COLLUSION.

Another great leader is my friend Kim Jong Un. Did you know that his last name spells U-N?

Since Chairman Kim and I met in Singapore last June, Secretary of State Mike Pompeo – I call him Big Mike – has been to North Korea many times and delivered our plans for the beachfront condominiums and golf resort I promised in exchange for North Korea’s nuclear weapons.

I am here to report that we are close to a deal and the world has never been a safer and more prosperous place – never in history – than under my presidency.

The American people understand this and it’s time all of you did too. Without the United States, the world would be in mortal danger and total chaos.

And it’s time you – all of you – started paying your fair share for the security and prosperity the United States provides.

That’s what’s happening under my trade policies, which I call the Trump Doctrine.

I learned a long time ago, from my Jewish friends here in New York, that the best way to live, the best way to do business, is to buy wholesale and sell retail.

So, from now on, all of you – and that includes you, China – will sell your products to the United States at wholesale prices and buy our products retail – even if I have to go to a 1,000-percent tariff on every Made in China T-shirt to make that happen.

And for those of you who produce nothing worth buying, I have news for you too.

This place, this building taking up prime real estate on the East River, is being privatized and rebranded as a Trump property.

A payment schedule for office space is being delivered to your  missions here in Manhattan, and those who don’t comply can pack up and go back to your shithole countries.

It’s time to make America profitable again.

My book, The Expat Files: My Life in Journalism, is available in paperback and Kindle editions from Amazon.com and Amazon Canada.

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