Summit talk of dick, rats and nuking California

HANOI (ENS) – Here is a transcript of Wednesday’s meeting between the Supreme Leader of North Korea (SLONK) and the President of the United States (POTUS), as recorded and released by the Russian embassy in the Vietnamese capital:

POTUS: Good to see you again, Chairman Kim. And thank you for all your letters. 

SLONK: I’ve only sent you one.

POTUS: Yes, but as I’ve told the press – such love. I’ve come to think of you as my third son.

SLONK: You already have three sons, Mr. President.

Pause. Crosstalk. Inaudible.

SLONK: How are your feet, Mr. President?

POSTUS: Excuse me?

SLONK: I was told you couldn’t go to Vietnam because of bone spurs on your feet.

POSTUS: And you came here by train because you’re afraid to fly. 

SLONK: Since we last met I read a very interesting book by one of your great American actresses – Stormy Daniels. 

POTUS: Don’t believe everything you read.

SLONK: So, the little mushroom?

POTUS: More like a Cruise missile. Ask Ivanka.

SLONK: Your daughter?

POTUS: No, my wife, Ivana.

SLONK: Melania.

POTUS: That’s what I said. 

Pause. Crosstalk. Inaudible.

SLONK: Is there something urgent on your phone, Mr. President?

POTUS: Just checking something.

SLONK: Your attorney, Mr. Michael Cohen, does not begin testifying before your Congress until later.

POTUS: I bet you know what to do with rats – you exterminate them. But in my country, your enemies get to put a rat on TV to spread lies about his president, the man who gave him a good job – and paid him a lot of money, made him rich – for many, many years. What do you do when the people around you turn against you?

SLONK: There are no such rats, as you call them, in the Democratic People’s Republic. 

POTUS: That’s because you know how to take care of them.

SLONK: And this Mr. Mueller? 

POTUS: Don’t worry about him. I got all the judges.

SLONK: Like Don Corleone.

Crosstalk. Inaudible.

SLONK: I meant no disrespect, Mr. President. I am a great fan of your American movies. I have more than 20,000 videotapes and DVDs, the largest collection in the world. Most of the old ones were inherited from my father, who was a great leader and also a great filmmaker. He made a great Godzilla movie, a metaphor for what happens when nuclear weapons are unleashed for evil purposes.

POTUS: Have you thought about the deal I proposed?

SLONK: Which deal is that, Mr. President?

POTUS: The condos – on the beach.

SLONK: I am considering it, Mr. President. Why did you pull out of the INF treaty?

POTUS: What’s that?

SLONK: The Intermediate-Range Nuclear Forces treaty that Ronald Reagan and Mikhail Gorbachev signed in 1987.

POTUS: Don’t worry about it.

SLONK: But President Putin says it could create another Cuban Missile Crisis.

POTUS: I said don’t worry about it. 

SLONK: But, at the same time your administration is asking us to denuclearize, you and Russia are starting another arms race.

POTUS: It’s good for business. If I were you, I’d buy lots of defense stocks. That’s what I’m doing.

SLONK: I can’t invest in your markets thanks to the sanctions you’ve imposed.

POTUS: Find a middleman. Maybe one of your children.

SLONK: My children are a state secret – and babies.

POTUS: Isn’t it true that you can take as much money as you want – billions of dollars a year – from your country’s treasury?

SLONK Yes, of course. Can’t you?

POTUS: Not yet. I’m working on it.

SLONK: Is there something urgent on your phone, Mr. President?

POTUS: Just checking something.

SLONK: Would you like to take a break to watch Hannity? 

Inaudible. 

POTUS: You’re a good socialist like Stalin, not like Bernie or that Puerto Rican from Queens.

SLONK: I’m not sure I follow, Mr. President, but I am true to the socialist ideals of the motherland.

POTUS: And you keep the motherland, as you call it, pure by not having people just pouring over your border, infesting your country. 

SLONK: No, we have a very secure southern border. But that doesn’t mean we don’t feel a threat that the 30,000 American troops in the south will invade our country.

POTUS: I told you I’d take care of that.

SLONK: Good. So that is settled. You will withdraw the troops.

POTUS: Can you take care of something for me?

SLONK: If I can, Mr. President.

POTUS: Can your missiles reach California?

Inaudible.

The Expat Files: My Life in Journalism is available in paperback and Kindle editions from Amazon.com and Amazon Canada.

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